Firstly, I wasn’t sure whether to post this as I am probably going to sound like a complete idiot at best, and also probably a bit immature and stupid. (Not saying that’s not accurate! haha).
I did something stupid
I stupidly punched a wall after falling out with my partner on Saturday. I was drunk at the time and not sure why I did it. I feel embarrassed by it, surprised at myself for doing it, and slightly ashamed – not sure why I feel that why, I think it’s because it’s so stupid and ridiculous. I’ve hurt my hand and wrist as a result and I’ve spent the last couple of days icing it.
One thing that is not necessarily in my control is work issues. Moral is really bad at the minute, no one really gets on within our team other than about 3-4 of us, but there are some real issues and no one is really happy. People constantly criticising others, a lot of bad feeling and resentment.
The management is a bit of a joke, and we have been told that our department is relocating 20 miles down the road. There’s no alternative with my current job role, e.g. I’m not on CID so can’t move to another station, or on response. It’s a department that stands alone and so I just have to put up with it. My new commute to work will now be 49 miles.
About 30% of our team are actively looking for new jobs outside of the Police, that includes our Sergeant… and it includes me too actually. I’m not looking to leave as I’m unhappy necessarily, but I don’t think there’s much left for me in the Police. I don’t want promotion or to be a Sergeant, and there’s no other jobs I want to do. I also see the way the Police is changing and seem to feel less and less a part of the whole thing.
Now that’s out of the way
Things aren’t that bad at the minute, but they’re not good. The positive thing is that I can turn it around quite easily by just looking after myself a little better. I’ve noticed that when I get into a bit of a rut I stop making much effort with clothing, I stop training at the gym, I drink more, I do less things, I became more and more unhappy. Initially this is all OK but it gets to a point (like now), when it starts to have a really negative effect.
I’m not sleeping much at all and for about 2-3 weeks I probably have very disturbed sleep where I just can’t relax or settle. I tweeted recently that I needed to find a way to relax. That was because my head just seems to be constantly swimming in a non-stop, disorganised, random mess of thoughts.
I’m in the process of studying for a qualification and it requires a lot of work and my own money, and so that is on my mind more than anything. I’m excited by it and not stressed so that’s a good indicator. But I just need to find a way to switch off.
I’m going to start to try to be more active and I don’t just mean going to the gym although that is a big part of my life (usually anyway). I just need to sort of reset myself, and to settle down a bit as I just feel like I’m in the world’s loudest nightclub and almost dazed by everything.
Looking after myself is a big part, not just by going to the gym and not punching things (!) but also just by actually taking a bit more pride in my appearance. Even things like my house is a mess and my car, I haven’t got the energy, motivation or will to sort it out. It’s indicative of the sort of mindset I’m in. Just lethargic, a feeling of “heaviness” and just bone idleness.
I’ve stopped going food shopping, and instead just buying stuff everyday. Not good food either, just something easy and quick and to stop me being hungry. I’ve stopped buying and preparing food for lunch at work. All these signs that I need to sort myself out.
I was going to write here that I don’t think I am depressed… but I think I am. It’s difficult to explain, it’s not really bad but is just a bit like I’m “flat”, no energy, a lack of motivation for general life, etc…
Anyway, I feel like I’m rambling now and not really saying anything else. Back to work tomorrow (I took today off) so hopefully I can start to turn things around over the next few days and get back to normal.
Thanks for reading.