I’m a bit of a mess

Firstly, I wasn’t sure whether to post this as I am probably going to sound like a complete idiot at best, and also probably a bit immature and stupid.  (Not saying that’s not accurate! haha).

I did something stupid

I stupidly punched a wall after falling out with my partner on Saturday.  I was drunk at the time and not sure why I did it.  I feel embarrassed by it, surprised at myself for doing it, and slightly ashamed – not sure why I feel that why, I think it’s because it’s so stupid and ridiculous.  I’ve hurt my hand and wrist as a result and I’ve spent the last couple of days icing it.

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Work

One thing that is not necessarily in my control is work issues.  Moral is really bad at the minute, no one really gets on within our team other than about 3-4 of us, but there are some real issues and no one is really happy.  People constantly criticising others, a lot of bad feeling and resentment.

The management is a bit of a joke, and we have been told that our department is relocating 20 miles down the road.  There’s no alternative with my current job role, e.g. I’m not on CID so can’t move to another station, or on response.  It’s a department that stands alone and so I just have to put up with it. My new commute to work will now be 49 miles. 

About 30% of our team are actively looking for new jobs outside of the Police, that includes our Sergeant… and it includes me too actually.  I’m not looking to leave as I’m unhappy necessarily, but I don’t think there’s much left for me in the Police.  I don’t want promotion or to be a Sergeant, and there’s no other jobs I want to do. I also see the way the Police is changing and seem to feel less and less a part of the whole thing.

Now that’s out of the way

Things aren’t that bad at the minute, but they’re not good.  The positive thing is that I can turn it around quite easily by just looking after myself a little better.  I’ve noticed that when I get into a bit of a rut I stop making much effort with clothing, I stop training at the gym, I drink more, I do less things, I became more and more unhappy.  Initially this is all OK but it gets to a point (like now), when it starts to have a really negative effect.

I’m not sleeping much at all and for about 2-3 weeks I probably have very disturbed sleep where I just can’t relax or settle.  I tweeted recently that I needed to find a way to relax.  That was because my head just seems to be constantly swimming in a non-stop, disorganised, random mess of thoughts.

I’m in the process of studying for a qualification and it requires a lot of work and my own money, and so that is on my mind more than anything. I’m excited by it and not stressed so that’s a good indicator.  But I just need to find a way to switch off.

Moving Forward

I’m going to start to try to be more active and I don’t just mean going to the gym although that is a big part of my life (usually anyway).  I just need to sort of reset myself, and to settle down a bit as I just feel like I’m in the world’s loudest nightclub and almost dazed by everything.

Looking after myself is a big part, not just by going to the gym and not punching things (!) but also just by actually taking a bit more pride in my appearance.  Even things like my house is a mess and my car, I haven’t got the energy, motivation or will to sort it out.  It’s indicative of the sort of mindset I’m in.  Just lethargic, a feeling of “heaviness” and just bone idleness.

I’ve stopped going food shopping, and instead just buying stuff everyday.  Not good food either, just something easy and quick and to stop me being hungry.  I’ve stopped buying and preparing food for lunch at work.  All these signs that I need to sort myself out.

I was going to write here that I don’t think I am depressed… but I think I am.  It’s difficult to explain, it’s not really bad but is just a bit like I’m “flat”, no energy, a lack of motivation for general life, etc…

Anyway, I feel like I’m rambling now and not really saying anything else. Back to work tomorrow (I took today off) so hopefully I can start to turn things around over the next few days and get back to normal.

Thanks for reading.

DDC

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Wibble Wobble I’m in Trouble

I’m only using that thread title as it did make me laugh a bit.  However things really haven’t been great at all this week and gradually over recent weeks it’s gone downhill.

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One of the main  signs that I know my mental health is deteriorating is:

A feeling that I’m not really switched on or alert.  It’s almost like I’m listening under water and at times it feels like I need a few seconds to catch up on something someone has just said.  I also feel like I’m slurring my words.

An example of the above is that I sent my Brother a birthday card with absolutely NOTHING written in it.  Just a blank card.  I know this is probably just a silly thing that anyone could do.  But for me it highlights the fact I’m just not concentrating or thinking straight.  Also after he told me I felt like an absolute idiot and kind of thought “that’s bloody typical of me!!!”.

Other signs – probably ones you can guess and the ones listed in text books are:

  • Far lower self esteem and self confidence
  • Beating myself over stupid mistakes or feeling under valued
  • Emotional – not in the whole blubbering my eyes out, but just fragile I guess
  • No motivation to do anything productive or physically active – e.g. exercise, tidy the house, even work
  • Easily annoyed – e.g. tiny things will make me more tense than normal and get to me
  • Wanting to be alone rather than be in the company of anyone

 

Yesterday was one of the worst days for a little while.  I actually ended up sitting in my car for a while and thought about going to the Doctor although I’m not sure what that would achieve.  I definitely do not want time off work, and I don’t think it would help. I don’t want medication either.

I spoke to a friend last night and think I made the decision to start seeing someone – a counsellor or whatever you’d refer to them as.  I did see one about 5 years ago after a long term relationship ended and it helped me a lot.

Anyway, I’m still a bit up and down but at least I have a bit of a plan.  Bye for now, have a great weekend ya’all!

Been tough recently – weird dreams too!

Over the past two weeks I’ve found things quite difficult in work.  It’s not even been busy, or that hard.  I’ve not done any overtime, but I have found myself very tense and on edge.  Small things have got to me, and I’ve had times when my confidence was really suffering to the point that I just felt quite useless.

As well as this I’ve also had some trouble sleeping, with about 3 sleepless nights over the past 10 days.  I used to experience this LOADS but thankfully it’s not as bad these days.

Twice this week I’ve had strange dreams which include:

Dream One

I’ve arranged to meet members of my team early in the morning to execute a warrant.  I’m due there for around 6am and I’m enroute but continually seem to have set backs to the point that I’m going to be late. I end up looking at the clock and it’s nearly 11am (5 hours late).  I’m panicking and try to call but for some reason can’t.  I continue trying to drive and get there but never quite make it.

Dream Two (this is a horrible one)

I’m in a car and I’m drunk, driving around the streets.  I turn a corner and at a VERY slow speed I clip the wheel of a cyclist.  No injury, nothing serious – in terms of the accident itself.  I’m obviously very drunk and I’ve stopped and people know I shouldn’t be driving.  The Police are on their way and I’m screwed.

The dream doesn’t go any further (thankfully?) but it’s a horrible one.

Anxiety

It seems that all of this post seems to be about anxiety.  That’s just my interpretation as it seems quite an obvious link.  I don’t feel anxious but I do feel short tempered, stressed, lost my sense of humour, and a bit up and down.

It’s nothing too serious. I  kind of think I need to take a few days or maybe a week off as annual leave.

Have a good weekend everyone

DDC

 

Christmas Doooooo done

Well it was OK in the end.  Had dinner and drinks.  I’m a very big drinker but when out of my comfort zone I can hold back quite well.

So during dinner which lasted about two hours I had two bottles of beer.  Absolutely nothing.  Then went to one pub, one pint there, then onto a club about 9pm-11pm and had 3 pints roughly.

I left very quickly as I had a train to catch.  I could have stayed out and got a taxi (£40) or hotel (£30-40) and would have if it had been a different situation.

In the end I got through it.  I just didn’t want to make an idiot of myself or some other issue which I tend to worry about.  I just wanted it to be over quite frankly.  The only way I can describe it is I feel on edge the whole time, I feel like I’m wondering what time it is, etc…
I’ve worked out that mainly it is because I’m just not a great match for my current colleauges.  No big deal, everyone is different and they are generally all very nice people  

However, I just can’t relax or go with the flow as easily as as a result.  I’m just wanting to go home or move on.

The main thing is it’s done and dusted for now.  Hope this makes sense, thanks for reading.

Work Christmas Party tomorrow

I’ve been in my current job role now for about 6 months.  My team are very different people to me but all very nice.  I state in my twitter bio that I have a mild “social anxiety”.

It is mild, as if you met me you’d probably just think “nice enough guy, just a normal everyday person”, or “he’s a bit of a laugh”.  With friends I am very comfortable, however with those I wouldn’t characterise as friends – mainly colleagues or friends of my partner, it’s a slightly different story.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a recluse, I am social enough but I just don’t feel relaxed.  In fact for the last month I’ve been on edge.

If someone told me today “Hey, the Christmas party has been cancelled”, I’d actually be relieved and very happy about it.  I realise this makes me sound like a total killjoy, but it’s just the way I feel.

Note: this is not my colleagues 😉

I’m sure the way I feel is very common, at least to some degree amongst others.  Often when I’ve felt like this, the actual experience has been absolutely fine and I’ve thought “what was I worried about”?

I can’t really put into words what I am worried about to be honest, it’s just a feeling of being trapped, not wanting to get really drunk, feeling out of my comfort zone, etc… I think it’s because they are very different people to me, with different views/values/interests etc…

Anyway, will probably enjoy tomorrow despite all this waffle and thoughts about it.  Wish me luck! 🙂

Welfare Blindness!

This post was drafted around 6 months ago… it was saved as a draft so just posting now 

 

Yesterday I had a review meeting with my Sergeant which is typically done every 6 months and it’s where we discuss how the year has gone and review my PDR (Performance Development Review).  This is basically where you record your good work, and things you’ve done which are exceptional.  Everyone in the Police has to do it.

Overall really positive.  However, one thing did make me laugh (inside) and also scream (inside).

Rachel – my Sergeant – said, “You seem to have good days and dark days.  I don’t want to push you too far, it just seems a bit too much for you sometimes”.

I call this post “Welfare Blindness” as her comments were based around my ability to:

1) Cope with more work (which she knows I can do)

2) Handle problems that occur along the way (literally every hour there’s some form of bureaucracy rearing it’s ugly head)

I am in now way motivated to explain to Rachel why sometimes I’m just not in the mood.  I would if I thought there was any possibility she would understand or empathise.

My biggest criticism is, once again, the Police are great with spotting Racism, Homophobia, Corruption, Sexism, Ageism, etc… within their teams.  However, spotting anyone with:

– Financial problems

– Depression, and other MH issues

– Domestic issues

– Child problems

– Stress

Everyone seems blind to it.  Or at least don’t make any effort to do much about it, or to understand it.

I see this on a weekly occurrence. It’s a sad reflection on the Police that we claim to be all so great and welfare-orientated, yet it seems basic faults on a constant basis in terms of welfare needs.

(p.s. I’m not saying I have “welfare needs” as such.  I’m just saying it would be nice for supervisors to think welfare first, rather than discipline or performance… which I believe is what they’re trained to do)

Religion

I was christened as a baby and yet in my 30 odd years on earth I think I’ve been to church a handful of times.  I have never really been “religious”.

In February this year I received news that my best friend from University – that I had kind of lost touch with around a year earlier – had died from Cancer.  He had apparently battled it for a year, but the type of cancer he had, there wasn’t really any hope as it couldn’t be fully identified/located in the body.  He was 30 years old.  At the time I was told the funeral had been/gone and so I just went to the memorial day.

Following this I found myself questioning things really, not in a hugely serious way, but just curious/looking for inspiration.  I went to church once, although the particular church I chose I didn’t really “click” with too much.

Since February  I have read the bible – mainly online as you can search for things like “good bible passages”, or “passages about <whatever topic>”.

I did quickly realise that “Faith” is the valuable benefit from religion, the idea that you follow and believe something.  I’m not suddenly a god worshiper, or even that religious, but I do find a lot of comfort in reading some parts of the bible.

Yesterday I found this entry:

You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived.

But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander,and filthy language from your lips.

13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

 

I think this is pretty cool as it’s basically encouraging you to be better people, to not be angry or negative towards each other, but to be more tolerant.

Do any of the readers here follow religion, or find inspiration from similar sources?

Thanks for reading,

DDC