Christmas Doooooo done

Well it was OK in the end.  Had dinner and drinks.  I’m a very big drinker but when out of my comfort zone I can hold back quite well.

So during dinner which lasted about two hours I had two bottles of beer.  Absolutely nothing.  Then went to one pub, one pint there, then onto a club about 9pm-11pm and had 3 pints roughly.

I left very quickly as I had a train to catch.  I could have stayed out and got a taxi (£40) or hotel (£30-40) and would have if it had been a different situation.

In the end I got through it.  I just didn’t want to make an idiot of myself or some other issue which I tend to worry about.  I just wanted it to be over quite frankly.  The only way I can describe it is I feel on edge the whole time, I feel like I’m wondering what time it is, etc…
I’ve worked out that mainly it is because I’m just not a great match for my current colleauges.  No big deal, everyone is different and they are generally all very nice people  

However, I just can’t relax or go with the flow as easily as as a result.  I’m just wanting to go home or move on.

The main thing is it’s done and dusted for now.  Hope this makes sense, thanks for reading.

Work Christmas Party tomorrow

I’ve been in my current job role now for about 6 months.  My team are very different people to me but all very nice.  I state in my twitter bio that I have a mild “social anxiety”.

It is mild, as if you met me you’d probably just think “nice enough guy, just a normal everyday person”, or “he’s a bit of a laugh”.  With friends I am very comfortable, however with those I wouldn’t characterise as friends – mainly colleagues or friends of my partner, it’s a slightly different story.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a recluse, I am social enough but I just don’t feel relaxed.  In fact for the last month I’ve been on edge.

If someone told me today “Hey, the Christmas party has been cancelled”, I’d actually be relieved and very happy about it.  I realise this makes me sound like a total killjoy, but it’s just the way I feel.

Note: this is not my colleagues 😉

I’m sure the way I feel is very common, at least to some degree amongst others.  Often when I’ve felt like this, the actual experience has been absolutely fine and I’ve thought “what was I worried about”?

I can’t really put into words what I am worried about to be honest, it’s just a feeling of being trapped, not wanting to get really drunk, feeling out of my comfort zone, etc… I think it’s because they are very different people to me, with different views/values/interests etc…

Anyway, will probably enjoy tomorrow despite all this waffle and thoughts about it.  Wish me luck! 🙂

Welfare Blindness!

This post was drafted around 6 months ago… it was saved as a draft so just posting now 


Yesterday I had a review meeting with my Sergeant which is typically done every 6 months and it’s where we discuss how the year has gone and review my PDR (Performance Development Review).  This is basically where you record your good work, and things you’ve done which are exceptional.  Everyone in the Police has to do it.

Overall really positive.  However, one thing did make me laugh (inside) and also scream (inside).

Rachel – my Sergeant – said, “You seem to have good days and dark days.  I don’t want to push you too far, it just seems a bit too much for you sometimes”.

I call this post “Welfare Blindness” as her comments were based around my ability to:

1) Cope with more work (which she knows I can do)

2) Handle problems that occur along the way (literally every hour there’s some form of bureaucracy rearing it’s ugly head)

I am in now way motivated to explain to Rachel why sometimes I’m just not in the mood.  I would if I thought there was any possibility she would understand or empathise.

My biggest criticism is, once again, the Police are great with spotting Racism, Homophobia, Corruption, Sexism, Ageism, etc… within their teams.  However, spotting anyone with:

– Financial problems

– Depression, and other MH issues

– Domestic issues

– Child problems

– Stress

Everyone seems blind to it.  Or at least don’t make any effort to do much about it, or to understand it.

I see this on a weekly occurrence. It’s a sad reflection on the Police that we claim to be all so great and welfare-orientated, yet it seems basic faults on a constant basis in terms of welfare needs.

(p.s. I’m not saying I have “welfare needs” as such.  I’m just saying it would be nice for supervisors to think welfare first, rather than discipline or performance… which I believe is what they’re trained to do)


I was christened as a baby and yet in my 30 odd years on earth I think I’ve been to church a handful of times.  I have never really been “religious”.

In February this year I received news that my best friend from University – that I had kind of lost touch with around a year earlier – had died from Cancer.  He had apparently battled it for a year, but the type of cancer he had, there wasn’t really any hope as it couldn’t be fully identified/located in the body.  He was 30 years old.  At the time I was told the funeral had been/gone and so I just went to the memorial day.

Following this I found myself questioning things really, not in a hugely serious way, but just curious/looking for inspiration.  I went to church once, although the particular church I chose I didn’t really “click” with too much.

Since February  I have read the bible – mainly online as you can search for things like “good bible passages”, or “passages about <whatever topic>”.

I did quickly realise that “Faith” is the valuable benefit from religion, the idea that you follow and believe something.  I’m not suddenly a god worshiper, or even that religious, but I do find a lot of comfort in reading some parts of the bible.

Yesterday I found this entry:

You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived.

But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander,and filthy language from your lips.

13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.


I think this is pretty cool as it’s basically encouraging you to be better people, to not be angry or negative towards each other, but to be more tolerant.

Do any of the readers here follow religion, or find inspiration from similar sources?

Thanks for reading,



Too much phone use and other thoughts

The last two days have been positive, today in particular. Nothing spectacular happened but I had fun in work and felt good throughout.  I’ve told myself that each day will be good, and I’ve tried to physically be more relaxed and just not let things effect me too much emotionally.

Yesterday evening I was home alone (My Girlfriend was working until 10pm).  I spent the majority of the evening continually on my phone.  Checking Social media sites such as Twitter/Instagram, my favourite web forums, looking things up, making notes about things I want to buy for Christmas, etc…  I generally don’t use my phone at all if my Girlfriend is home as I put it to one side and don’t even look.  But it’s mostly boredom that results in my using it.

I wasn’t anxious last night at all, I was absolutely fine.  But I didn’t relax, I didn’t switch off particularly.  Even when I went to bed to read – usually for about an hour – I kept unlocking my phone.

I slept well but still I don’t think it’s at all healthy to be so heavily involved in a phone.  Especially as for 8 hours of the day, most of us, definitely me included, spend all day staring at a computer screen.

When I am anxious/worried/feeling down or even if I’m fine, I think I will be a far healthier person if I learn to just put the phone away and just forget about it.  I’m going to start to do that tonight, I will just leave it in another room or upstairs and just forget about it.  I will check it before bed, and that’s it.

Stay positive everyone!

P.S. I have to say I was really saddened to hear about the plane crash today. Such a waste of life and I think hearing about things like that can really re-adjust your perspective on things and make you more grateful.




Attending a Wedding

I posted on twitter (whilst at a wedding reception) something like “it’s not as easy as you’d think”.  I may have said before but if you met me you would probably think “just a normal 32 year old guy”, probably like a lot of people who suffer from some form of depression/anxiety.

I have a mild social anxiety, and general anxiety. So I will worry quite a bit about social functions/events, like christmas parties, or weddings, or get togethers.  I’m fine with close friends as I can really be myself, and same with families.

Why do I worry?

hmmmmmmm… that’s a good question. I think I worry about humiliating myself, being the talk of an event after it’s occurred, getting drunk and doing something stupid.  This is linked to the anxiety I feel about being disagreed with or proven wrong – this probably makes me sound arrogant, but what I mean is that for some reason I feel inferior or a sense of inadequacy if I suggest something and “the group” disagree and do something else.  It’s not all the time, just sometimes and about certain things.  (Note: I’m not arrogant.. I just want to make that clear as it probably sounds like I’m some whingey little squirt!).

A typical example of something I would worry about is what to wear.  It was funny as I turned up at the wedding wearing smart trousers and a casual loose untucked shirt.  I arrived at 7pm (the time the invitation card said the reception started).  The ENTIRE male wedding guests were all wearing smart suits and ties.  About 1hr – 1 hr 30 minutes later other “reception only” guests arrived wearing a similar dress code to me.

But at the time I started to panic as I suddenly felt a sense of calamity, a social diasaster… the guy who wears a loose/smart-casual shirt to a wedding.  It’s ridiculous really, and if I said it out loud I’d be embarassing for even thinking this much about it.

But this really demonstrates my issue well.  Others may have just not noticed, or just shrugged it off without concerning themselves much, or thought “that’s fine, the people coming later will be similarly dressed”.

At that moment I did start to panic, I got a bit nervous, struggled to concentrate or hold a conversation as I kept thinking “oh f##k… why have I come like this?  So embarassing”.

In the end as stated, everyone arriving later were wearing a similar dress code and I had a decent enough night in the end and caught up with a lot of people I hadn’t seen for ages. I struggle to really ENJOY these events in the purest sense, but it was OK.

Next on the agenda is our work Christmas Party which has been on my mind for weeks!


Work environment

One thing I haven’t put on here is that around a year ago I left CID and I’m now in a specialist unit, still as a detective and still investigation work.  I’ve only been there a year but I think I’ve noticed that part of the reason I’m struggling recently is that I’m finding it hard to physically be there.

There’s tons of advantages to the job I’m doing but some of the things that I’m struggling with is:

No Windows – you heard right.  The building I’m in is not a Police Station or publically accessible.  I work in a room with no natural light.  I never thought I’d miss the sight of traffic, cars, people outside.  But I do.  It’s also strange leaving work and having no clue about the weather.  I walk out and often think “wow, it’s a lovely day”, equally if it’s terrential rain, it’s the first I’ve seen of it.

Artificial light – similar to the point above.  All day I’m just under a sea of lights

Computer Screens all day – the job I do now is 99% desk based.  CID was a good mix, half the time I was out and about knocking on doors, or going to a scene, or someones house.  Then back to the office after.  Now, I go in… I sit down and stare at a computer screen for 8 hours.

It’s not a Police Station – I miss the hustle and bustle of a Police Station.  Generally people are friendly, and there’s always stuff going on.  Now I’m in a building where there’s none of that.  Everyone has offices which have doors closed.  Due to security you can’t go in them, and our key cards won’t activate the door.

I think these are the main issues I’m finding at work.  It’s part of a vicious circle.  As I go into work not really looking forward to it meaning I have no motivation, and then when I leave work after being sat down all day, I just don’t feel like doing anything, like gym, or going for a walk or something.

Maybe I just need to man up.  The advantages I mentioned before are that there’s very little overtime unless it’s planned, I can start late/finish later if I want to, I can always get leave, don’t have to work Christmas, great career prospects, tons of good training, etc…

My last post mentioned that I was having a hard time in work.  Things got better, although I still for some reason spent most of the working week physically shaking and I’m not sure why.  I was nervous all week and on edge.  I couldn’t relax at all.

I’ve had bouts of depression in the past and usually always just come through the other side eventually.  This time it’s lasting longer than usual, so hopefully things will pick up soon.

Anyway, thanks for reading – have a great week!